From Helicopter Parents to Free-Range Parents

I grew up in the days of freedom. We rode our bikes to school and met with the neighborhood kids to play after school. We invented games or scavenger hunts and never seemed to be bored. We had to be home at dusk. Mom and Dad looked at our report cards when they arrived and if they got a call from the school …we were in trouble. We were supposed to do our homework, and we did. We were supposed to get good grades, and we did. Life was pretty simple.

Then, we grew up and had kids and the world seemed to get more dangerous (or were we just more aware of the dangers?) Kidnappings, pedophiles, predators praying on our kids. Mom and Dad both working so kids had to be entrusted to others. When parents were home, caring seemed to be shown by hovering. “Who are you playing with? What are you playing? What are you reading? Are you reading? What are you eating? Who are your teachers? Where is your homework? Let’s do it together. Let’s go to: soccer, football, cheerleading, yoga, ballet lessons, chess classes, tutoring, piano practice…(I’m getting nauseous).”

We went from free-range parents to helicopter parents. Ok, we try to balance work and home and kids and family and friends. If it isn’t scheduled, it can’t happen. We all want our kids to grow up to be healthy, self-sufficient, independent, creative kids who are in safe, supervised environments protected from the creeps that are lurking about. Are there areas in our child’s lives where we can give them some freedom so that they can learn to make choices on their own…and equally learn the consequences of those choices on their own? Yup! With money!

Kids today, if we allow them, can earn, save, spend and share money by being independent self-starters who can be empowered to make their own choices. You set down the rules. For instance, have your kids decide what they want to buy. For the younger ones, maybe a small toy, for older ones, it could be a video game or cell phone or iPad. (You must approve of their savings goal.) The challenge is that they have to earn the money to reach their goal. Either you can start them on an allowance doing regular chores – or pick odd jobs for them to do. [Hint: pay by the job, not by the hour.] They can dust, vacuum, weed, water plants, clean windows, sweep floors, brush dogs, stack recycling…let them come up with ideas. They can also earn money by using some of those skills they’ve learned, like teaching other younger kids to play the piano, or soccer, or chess, or do yoga.

Of course you will still supervise, but avoid hovering. If your kid earns the money - they get to buy the item - if they don’t earn the money – they don’t. It’s simple. You can use the same system for them to pick and donate to charity.

This earn and learn system will help balance the helicopter versus free-range parenting. The drawbacks of the helicopter parent is that you create a dependent child who doesn’t know how to be independent, because they were never allowed to be. The free-range parenting drawback is the safety issue that independence in a dangerous world can create.

Teens and Summer Jobs

Has your teen found a summer job yet, because it’s going to be hard to find one.  In fact, last year, only 1 in 4 teens had summer jobs, the lowest on record, and this summer may be just as tough.  

Half of all teens are in school over the summer doing remedial or prep work for college. The recession has also changed the landscape. Now, teens are competing with grandparents, who are also vying for the same summer jobs.

What should your teen do?  They should research companies that hire teens: camps, day care, retail stores, restaurants, tennis and swim clubs, libraries, parks, resorts—you get the picture.

Have your teen look into internships with corporations, who are interviewing now.  Also volunteer work is great.

Help your teen to create a simple resume and a cover letter.  Work with them to hone their interviewing skills. They should go prepared to each interview with a list of intelligent questions that demonstrate their knowledge of the job and why they are perfect the candidate.

They can search summer job opportunities online and also visit prospective employers in person.  They can also be creative and use their special talents by giving lessons to neighborhood kids.

The earlier they start, the more options they’ll have.

What Parents Need to Tell A Child About Their Own Finances: Where There’s a “Will”, There’s A Way!

In my mother’s day, and my grandmother’s time before that, a family discussion on the subject of sex or money was not considered “appropriate" dinner conversation. (Of course, that was also a time when family had dinner together!) Both were viewed by them to be intimate, private topics, and there is evidence to suggest that neither subject was discussed much even between husbands and wives!

Today, social morals have been relaxed (in some families) and sex is even a required topic of discussion within many families. The great life-threatening dangers that can come from imprudent or unprotected sex have forced most parents out of Victorian age restraints.

Oddly enough, the subject of money still has not been equally discussed, yet I contend that the imprudent or unprotected spending have their own serious consequences: over extension of credit, personal bankruptcy, and, at the extreme, homelessness, these are some of the unfortunate results that are on the rise.

Are you prepared to discuss your own finances with your child?  “Too personal”, or “none of their business?”  No parent cares to pass along information about him or herself that can be used to perhaps be embarrassing later on. (That’s why we discourage Mom from displaying those cute age-2 bathtub shots to our boyfriend!)

I don’t think Junior needs to know that you bounced seven checks in a day, or that you were denied a mortgage four times before getting approved. However, there is some financial information about yourself that an older child, and certainly a teen, does need to be aware of for their own benefit.

Start with your will.  You note I said your will.  If you have kids and you don’t have one – stop reading my blog and go to: www.nolo.com.  Make your will today with maximum ease and minimum cost using Nolo's Online Will.  Just log in, answer questions about yourself and your property, and print!  Or make your will with Quicken WillMaker Plus, software that comes with dozens of other useful documents such as Power of Attorney and Health Care Directive.  Not only does a will outline what happens to your financial assets and designate an executor (the person who sees that the instructions in a will are carried out), it also lays out (or should) what you want to happen with your children until they are old enough to be on their own.

It’s shocking to me to learn that despite the obvious importance of having a will, 55% of all Americans die without one.

I’m ok with you going onto sites to see what you want in your will – but I’m still a believer in getting a lawyer to actually draw one up. It’s not worth getting it wrong.

Some of the things to think about are:

1. Who do you trust to be the executor?
2. Who will get custody or guardianship of your kids?  By the way, make sure you have communicated your intentions to that person.  A surprise is not a good thing.
3. How will that child be provided for financially?  Have you made sure your guardian will also be provided for? Raising a child is expensive, you don’t want to burden that guardian.
4. How are your assets to be divided up?  Who gets what?  Remember, you need to review your will every 5 years or when something changes, like a new child, a death, divorce, etc.

The reason a discussion with your child about your will is so valuable is that it gives you the chance to assure your youngster that he or she will be taken care of if something happens to your spouse/partner. Don’t think that your 4 or 5 year old hasn’t thought of this. They are exposed to Bambi, Lion King, Cinderella – what happened to their parents? Hansel and Gretel still freaks me out!

Give your kids the assurances that are age appropriate, make sure they feel secure and don’t think they’ll end up in an orphanage begging for porridge.